Sweet Sixteen
by marktwain716
Summary: The ultimate racy adventure that is the quitessance of Harry Potter fiction. HPDM HPRW HGDM HGRW DMRW HPRW
1. Chapter 1: Confrontation

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to us.

"GOSH HERMIONE! you can't sell your body to snape for a PROFIT! that's just not right!" Harry glared at Hermione, his best friend of six years, with a mixture of anger and worry.  
Hermione avoided eye contact, " but...but...ron said it was ok!"  
"You can't just listen to what ron tells you! What is he? Your pimp?"  
Hermione lowered her eyes to the floor...

Suddenly, the door behind burst open. To Harry's horror, it was his arch enemy, Draco Malfoy.  
"Hermione,"said Malfoy in his drawling voice, "I am ready for my-"  
He stopped in his pink furry bathrobe as he saw Harry there.  
"What are you doing here," he snarled.  
"What are YOU doing here?" snarled Harry.  
"What are YOU doing here?" snarled Malfoy.  
And for the next hour, they snarled at each other, in a competition not to just insult each other by repeating the phrase "What are YOU doing here," but also to see who was more "manly" in their snarling.  
At last, Harry, the obvious winner and hero, had outsnarled Malfoy.  
"Aha!" exclaimed Harry, still snarling, "I, the obvious winner and hero, have outsnarled you, Draco Malfoy!"  
Malfoy was shocked. How could he, the snarler, be outsnarled?  
"Well," said Malfoy, insult ready at hand, "at least I am 'larger' than you."  
"Are not!" scoffed Harry.  
"Are too!" scoffed Malfoy cunningly back.  
And for the next hour, they scoffed each other, until the obvious winner and hero came up with an ingenious idea.  
"How about we find out?" scoffed Harry.  
"How?" scoffed Malfoy. "Unless..."  
He eyed Harry, and Harry eyed him back. Suddenly, they stared into each other's eyes, and a connection they had never felt before but always knew was there materialized.  
"Yes," whispered Harry, "We can find out..."  
Harry grabbed Malfoy's hand, and they ran out the door, in quite a hurry. As Harry left, excited, he heard Hermione say "You stole my customer! You will pay for this Harry Potter!"  
Suddenly, there was a flash of green light. Harry tugged at Malfoy's(now coyingly called Draco) arm to look where the light was coming from.  
It turned out that all this time, Hermione was really Lord Voldemort.  
"Mama always told me to shoot the queers," he sneered.

Draco quickly recoils from Harry's (now affectionately, Hot Buns) tender embrace. Seeing the presence of He Who Must Not Be Named, Draco's fingers, still feverishly hot from their previous encounter, fumbled with his robe to cover his exposed chest.

"No! Master! It isn't what it seems! We...I'm...No!...Master...it was...it was..." Suddenly, a transformation took over Draco. Narrowing his eyes, his face hardened with a look of determination. The softened, lovable Draco had again turned into Malfoy.

Malfoy raised his arm, and with one trembling manicured finger, pointed at Harry. "Master, master, he forced me! It was RAPE, master!"

Flabbergasted, Harry stumbled backwards. His mouth fell open in indignation. Harry's eyes, those beautiful, striking, green eyes, widened as he watched the change in his lover. "You...you…you wanted to compare our brains, Malfoy! Lying, conniving, WHORE! "

Suddenly, the tunnel swung open and the fat lady let out a yelp. A boy, no, not a boy, perhaps a man, walked in with platform shoes studded with diamonds. Dressed in velvet robes of rich plum, the top unbuttoned to reveal measly tufts of curly red chest hair, this boy/man puffed on a cigar the size of Harry's calf.

And, knowing the size of Harry's calf, the cigar wasn't very big.  
"Step away, Tom."  
Voldemort turned, an evil gleam in his eye.  
"No one tells Lord Voldemort to step away." Then, with great spite, he said "Ava-"  
But suddenly, the man whipped out his cigar, which turned magically(surprise! magic!) into a wand.  
"Y tu mama tambien!" he chanted.  
And suddenly, in a whirlwind of pink, Voldemort issued a scream. Not just any scream, now. But a high pitched, girl scream. The kind of scream that Jing would make if she was run over by a tractor. Or if her father made her do chemistry for the summer.  
And then, he was gone.  
"He is gone!" exclaimed Harry.  
"He will be back," said the man with the studded slippers. "For now, I will stay."  
"Who are you,"asked Harry in an awed, reverent voice.  
"I am your father," said the man softly.  
"Yes! I knew it! I knew my mother would never marry a jerk like James Potter! Oh god thank you! I am cleared of all my sins!"  
"Well," said Malfoy, "not ALL your-"  
"Shush my dear. We don't want our new-I mean my new daddy to know..."  
The man eyed them carefully. "That's ok. I did it myself. I know what you are going through. I got my catch through Or was it can't remember but..."  
Suddenly the door slammed open again.  
"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."


	2. Chapter 2: Bloody Baron's Bloody Secret

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to us.

Ignoring the voice he continued, "Anyways, I met this Abarna on love for losers. She was quite pretty, excellent, GINORMOUS arse. Rather pathetic though, fancied herself a witch."

"Ha!" said the voice. This time, a girl walked in, a girl with bushy brown hair, and rather large front teeth. A flimsy purple cape was hanging loosely on her body, exposing her purple garters and fishnets. Why! It was the REAL Hermione Granger!  
"Hermione! You're OK!" Harry, relieved to see his friend out of danger, gave her a big bear hug.  
Hermione gave him a look of pure disgust, "Potter, these services aren't free. If you want a piece of this white chocolate, hand over your galleon."  
She sauntered over to the red head with a cigar the size of Harry's calf, took out a bag of coins, and handed him 4 galleons. "Here, I gave Snape a double treat tonight." The red head glanced at Hermione naughtily and wiggled his eyebrows.  
Harry gawked at this exchange with pathetic innocence, while Draco snickered. "Hermione? You know my father?"  
"Father? How thick can you get, Potter? This is Ron, aka Ronette , my pimp."

Malfoy gasped. "Weasley, you've changed..." He allowed himself one small longing glace in Ron's way before coming to his senses and asking "how much is the mudblood for the night?"  
"It depends on your size Malfoy, for you I'd say one Galleon" answered Ronnette the Pimp as he held out a small jeweled purse.   
"Actually I'm done for the night" retorted Hermione, "I may be wearing fishnets and a purple sequined cape, but I'm about selling myself to idiots like you!"  
"What about Snape"? Mayfoy asked.  
"Let's just say that Snape was a more lucrative endeavor than you would ever hope to be…" replied Hermione furiously as she walked out of the room.  
Ronnette, not wanting to pass up a money making opportunity began to follow Hermione, yelling back "I'll try to work something out Malfoy, don't leave yet."  
Malfoy turned to Harry, "I can't believe you didn't recognize Weasley, Potter, are you ok?"  
"Well, I was a little distracted, Draco. Hey... if Hermione's not free tonight… maybe you and I ...-" at that moment Ronnette's jeweled stilettos could be heard coming down the hall.  
"Alright Malfoy, she'll meet you in the prefect's bathroom, we all are, after all, prefects." said Ronnette  
Malfoy eagerly left for the prefects bathroom, leaving Harry and Ron alone.

"Finally alone, father and son," said Ronnette jokingly.  
"Shut up," said Harry, lounging on the chair. "I can't believe I was that stupid. I mean, Bing is stupider than I am, but man, this was Jawn quality." Harry looked up to the ceiling. "Please Lord, I promise never to be stupid again."  
"God?"Ron cried, looking over his shoulder. "I don't see no God! What if he's here? What will he do to me?"  
Harry put his arm around Ron. "It's ok. Rich people like me can go through life without sinning because we don't need to make money. On the other hand, poor filth like you who were born and deserve to be condemned to poverty do need to work you way out by sinning. Your choice Ron, Hell or Money?"  
Ron embraced Harry in a brotherly fashion. "Bro, thank you. Ya really gave me good advice there. You-" Then he looked into Harry's eyes. "WOW, Bro...you are...you are so..."  
Harry felt a stirring inside him. A latent but passionate stirring. Was this what he had been searching for all his life?  
"Do I have to pay?" asked Harry, whispering in Ronnette's ear.  
"No, people who make me feel all warm and tingly inside like butterbeer don't haveta pay," whispered Ron cooingly back.  
"You are going to hell," whispered Harry again, trying desperately to maintain the romantic feeling.  
"I am taking you down with me," whispered Ron, knowing that it was business now. "To our beds!"

Despite this night of excitement, romance, and hormones buzzing around, the foursome decided to go back to their SEPARATE dorms and go to sleep in their SEPARATE beds.

The next morning, our four friends woke up early to get ready for church. Each individual pulled on a crisp, clean, rather conservative robe. In their SEPARATE dorms, Hermione, Ron, Harry, and Draco set to making their SEPARATE beds, straightening the sheets, and fluffing up the pillows.  
"Ahhhh," Hermione sighed, taking a look at her immaculate room, "cleanliness is godliness".

They met down at the Great Hall, greeting each other warmly with friendly words. Seating themselves at a table, they admired the fresh fruit and bagels in front of them.

It was Ron's turn to say Grace this morning, so the four held hands while Ron talked with the deepest sincerity, "O Lord. Thank You for this wonderful meal in front of us. Thank You for our friendship and utmost respect for each other. Thank You for leading us away from a life of sin. I pray in Jesus name, Amen."

"Amen" echoed Harry, Hermione, and Draco.

An hour later, they headed to church in the pleasant village of Hogsmeade, chattering merrily with an occasional chuckle or two.

Suddenly, Hermione stopped, "Guys, I'd like to talk to you about something."

The boys stopped too, "Of course, Sister Hermione, anything you say."

With a look of fervent piousness, Hermione bit her lip, "I know I've always wanted to be a Hogwarts professor after I graduate, but, the goodness on this earth, the goodness in you three, have inspired me to become a nun and live a life of holiness."

"Me too!" Ron agreed with enthusiasm, "And I'm changing my name back to Ron, maybe even Ronald, yes yes Brother Ronald sounds a lot better than Brother Ronnette."

"I wish there was something else we could do to express our faith" said Hermione.  
"I know what you mean" said Harry with a nod, "I know! Lets form our own Christian Rock band! Draco can be the drummer, Hermione can sing, Ron can play bass, and I'll play lead guitar"  
"I wan't to play lead guitar" snarled Malfoy.. "Drums are for mudbloods and squibs"  
"The drummers are always the cutest guys in the band" giggled Hermione with a suggestive glance in Malfoy's direction  
"Malfoy will play drums and I will play lead guitar" said Harry difinitively.  
"No I wan't to play lead guitar!" snarled Draco. The arguement continued back and forth for several minutes until the inevitable happened:  
"Oh yeah, well I'm larger" exulted Harry.  
"No, I'm larger!" snarled Malfoy.  
"NO I"M LARGER" "NO IM LARGER" (hehe right back where we started) etc.etc. etc... then...  
"I know how we could find out" said Malfoy. Harry felt an odd sensation... could it be that he was really in love with draco, after all, you know what they say, there's a very thin line between love and hate. Harry couldn't think of the name for what he was experiencing... oh yeah- DEJA VU.  
"NO DRACO. I refuse to submit to your petty tricks to get me into the sack. I will not compromise my morals simply to satisfy my curiosity. After all, I know in my heart of hearts that I am larger".  
"NO, Im larger!" exclaimed Draco. And the arguement continues... until...  
" Now what about out values!" screamed Ron "today was turning out so well..."

"FINE! I DON'T WANNA BE IN YOUR STUPID BAND! " Draco shrilled. "Anyways," he prepared for the deepest insult, "I'm a JEW!". With that, Draco turned on his heels and stormed out.  
"Wait! Draco! Come back! I'm a Jew too!" called Hermione as she ran after him.  
"Oh yeah? Well, I'm Shinto!" Harry spat and left as well.  
"And I'm a pimp" Ron whimpered. Miserably, he buried his head in his hands and cried like a baby, "so much for changing my name to Brother Ronald."

Meanwhile, Hermione had followed Draco back to Hogwarts., "Come on Draco, forget about those gits. Let's go _chill_ in the Gryffindor Common room."  
Draco linked his arm to hers and chuckled, "I have a feeling there won't be a lot of chilling going on because it's getting pretty hot!"  
With that, the two groped their way inside.

Harry looked longingly at Draco and Hermione. "I can't believe she stole him."  
Ron looked longingly at Draco and Hermione. "I can't believe he stole her."  
Harry suddenly snapped out of his trance. He looked at Ron, whose eyes were bloodshot from crying.  
"We have to do something!" said Harry, the heat of anger rising up inside him. Or maybe it was a hot flash. He was starting to get those often too.  
"But what?" cried Ron, wiping the tears off his face.  
"There, there," Harry cooed(much like a pigeon) "we'll get our revenge...just think, Brother Ron." Harry added with a smile.  
Ron grinned meekly. "Thanks Harry."  
With that, the two groped their way inside.  
Suddenly, Harry felt a wave of ice water down him. It was good for his hot flash, but still a little too cold.  
"Blimey!" cried Ron. "What was that for! You-" Suddenly Ron stopped. He realized who he was talking to-The Bloody Baron.(Finally, someone had to bring him in. The chapter's name is "The Bloody Baron's Secret" for God's sake)  
"Well hello, lovers..."said the bloody baron silkily. Or maybe he said it bloodily. "Well well, Mama always-"  
"Yeah, we've heard it before" Harry said exasperatedly, rolling his eyes. Then he rolled them again, for effect. Then he realized that it was sort of fun to roll your eyes around, so he kept on rolling them.  
"Yeah, we HAVE," bit Ron back, cunningly. Meanwhile, Harry was still standing there, rolling his eyes around.  
"No, you haven't heard ALL of it before." said a voice behind them. Harry stopped rolling his eyes, Ron stopped biting back cunningly, and they turned around in hope.  
"It's Hermione!" Ron cried.  
"It's Draco!" Harry cried.  
"No..." said the Baron. "My oh my, I haven't seen you in a while. Welcome back, Sirius Black."

Guess whos back? SIRIUS BLACK! BACK IN BLACK! Indeed he was back, blacker than ever. "Yes I am back!" announced Sirius, "with my beautiful wife Fing."

"and that is my bloody secret!" finished the Bloody Baron


	3. Chapter 3: Coathanger Abortion

"Fing?" gasped Harry. He drooled in awe as his sexual orientation did a 180 and he found himself longing for the fantastically beautiful goddess who was now engaged in liplock with his shapely godfather. His shapely godfather…

_My,_ thought Harry, dazedly, _This bisexuality stuff can get pretty confusing on the whole ethics front…__  
_  
Yet ethics did not matter to the hormone-driven boy who could sense that, in fact, London Bridge was staying up as he gazed at the gorgeous man and his tongue exchanging greetings with the beautiful woman. Harry wished it was he who was being licked, but his flamboyant fantasy was far from real. Feeling a pang of embarrassment, he quickly stepped behind Ron's spectacularly purple (and fluorescent!) cloak to hide his little friend. As if on cue, the plush-adorned pimp piped up: "Sex can wait, masturbate!"

This statement of blasphemy was enough to wrench apart sexy Sirius and his heavenly catch. Harry was dumbstruck, amazed to here his pious friend utter such a phrase.

"You're not Brother Ron, you're Brother Wrong!" he quipped, as cruelly as such a lacking insult could be articulated. Little Harry, fully humiliated by this wretched attempt at humor, seemed to lose all his spunk and sank rapidly, as if deflated. Harry turned red as everyone stared at him.

"I'm not even going to dignify that with a comment," said Sirius condescendingly as he tossed his luxurious head of sleek black hair. The woman with him mirrored his movement. "But Ron- _Ron_! You can't honestly believe that line of thinking! Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten!"

Ron looked horrified. His God, the beneficent, loving, omnipotent spirit of all life, was not truly so nice as he was cracked up to be! It simply could not be!

"The Lord's wrath knoweth no boundaries," he whimpered. "Oh, John the Baptist! The kittens! I've murdered thousands of kittens!" He broke down in racking sobs and fell to the floor, a pathetic lump of Muppet-like purple. The others in the room exchanged a glance, and came to a silent agreement to let him come to terms with his sins on his own.

Sirius spoke again. "Anyway, Fing and I are going to get hitched pretty soon." He smiled at her. Harry could feel his heart sink as he realized the two most beautiful people of all time were completely unavailable for his manly urges. "Ever since meeting her, she has strengthened my faith, and I have embarked upon my ninety-seventh virginity in order to marry her."

A bright red head appeared from the quivering lavender fluff, looking distinctly impressed. "Whoa, Sirius, you really got around," Ron said worshipfully, before dissolving into tears and diving back into the cloak.

Sirius smirked as no one had ever smirked before and turned to his fiancée, eyeing her hungrily. For a moment she returned the gaze, but suddenly it was her turn to be reduced to sniveling sobs. Sirius looked alarmed, and quickly retracted the tongue he had been readying for a kiss.

"Sirius!" she snorted, eyes streaming like gutter pipes in a violent thunderstorm, "Sirius… I can't do it!"

"NO!" shouted Sirius. "I want the sex, damn it! I'm trying to get to a hundred!"

"No," she wailed pitifully. Harry rather thought her attractiveness waned as her thickly applied makeup streaked off to reveal a hideous monster, the likes of which had theretofore been unknown to mankind.

"Gah!" shrieked Sirius, recoiling from that fell beast that now stood before him. "Get away from me, you vile miscreation!"

The vile miscreation stood there, dissolved in tears and growing progressively more grotesque as time passed. Harry stared in fascination, wondering what the hell this abomination could really _be_.

"What… what _are_ you?" he asked nervously.

Between its sobs, the creature began to talk. "I'm… I'm Marissa from the O.C," it wept. "I ensnared Sirius with my television celebrity powers, and fed him love potions so he would desire me… and I love him so much, I thought he might reciprocate my feelings… so I stopped pouring them down his throat… By then, I was so made up, he really wanted to get some, and we were going to get married… but… but I can't keep up the disguise any longer! I'm an androgynous mutant spawned from a frog and Karl Rove!"

Sirius stared in horror, then suddenly toppled over backwards in an impressively dramatic swoon. This caused the mutant to cry even harder.

"Erm… well," Harry said, trying not to make the situation worse. "That'll take some time to get used to… don't worry, though, I'm sure he'll come around in the end…"

Yet even as he spoke, Harry felt that those were the most patently false words he had ever spoken, and no living being could_ ever_ love Marissa from the O.C.

Several hundred feet away, Draco and Hermione were passing the time in a much more creative fashion.

"Oh... oh, _Draco_!" she screamed, steamingly passionate as she strained against the leather that bound her to the bed. "This is so _hot_!"

"That phrase is trademarked by Paris Hilton!" he gasped, between moans of ecstasy. "You want to be careful about those international copyright laws!"

Hermione shrieked as Draco's milky touch sent new waves of rapture through her body. "Enough foreplay!" she panted. Feeling inspired by this new elation, and feeling confident that the climax that would come was going to be the best a prostitute such as the likes of her would ever experience, her fingers drifted to his nether region.

She yelped in shock as she groped around and encountered nothing but air. "DRACO! Where's your- where's your-" She was too overcome with horrified emotion to even finish her simplistic sentence.

Draco covered his face with his hands, the moment clearly lost. "Oh, Hermione… it's true… I'm a eunuch!" He twitched convulsively as he uttered those fateful words, and tears poured down his translucently white skin.

Hermione gave a squeak and recoiled as if burned. "But Draco- why?"

He shook his head mournfully and wiped his tears, clearly regretting the loss of his assets –nay, arsets. Well, more like his shaft, really. In any case–

"It's an age-old custom of the Malfoys," he sighed heavily. "The first son from my family," he explained, "has traditionally been a eunuch for a prince from Turkey, or somewhere in that general vicinity -my geography is abysmal - dating back to the years of glory of Alexander the Great. We Malfoys were also very famous in the opera in the past few centuries – we were the best castratos. I haven't been assigned my royalty yet" –here he sniffed dramatically– "but I can only hope he'll be my Prince Charming."

Hermione was clearly torn between revulsion and sympathy, and the unattractive face she made mirrored this dilemma. "Oh, Draco," she said at last. "I hope you find your Prince Charming, too. But I'm really, really, really, really, really, really, _really_ disappointed we didn't have sex, 'cause you're pretty damn hot. I don't know if I can forgive you for that."

"Oh, Hermione!" he cried. "Thank you for your support. If it's any consolation, I would totally be inside of you now if any remnants of my manhood remained."

Hermione, picturing this image explicitly in her mind, began to weep as she realized on what she truly had missed out. The tears distressed Draco, who (understandably, given that he possessed not an ounce of testosterone in his entire body) started to cry as well. "I'm so sorry, Hermione," he wailed. "I can't help it. If only one of us had a dick, I'd be so happy… Oh, what I wouldn't give for you to be androgynous now!"

Hermione slowly met his eyes, smiling slyly.

"AHA!"  
Quickly, Draco and Hermione tore apart from their locked gaze and turned aroud to see a triumphant Harry Potter, his eyes fixed in between Draco's legs.  
"Malfoy! What happened to your brain? I thought you said you were _larger_ than me!" Harry taunted.  
"Potter! You'll be sorry!" Draco screeched, jumping up to his feet and pointing his wand at Harry, "Vanishoso Penis!"  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Harry yelled as he grabbed his crotch and hopped around. In a fit of rage, he beat on his chest and tore at his hair and face. "Malfoy! How dare you! That's the last thing my father left me!"  
"It's all right, Peachy" murmured a raspy voice, hardly concealing its excitement. Once again, the flamboyant purple pimp, Brother Ron, has appeared at Harry's side, "Mine's big enough for the both of us."  
"Ha!" Harry retorted with satisfaction. "Does SHE?" He glanced pointedly in Hermione's direction with a devilish grin.  
Again, Hermione's eyes slowly met Draco's. Again, she grinned slyly.  
All of a sudden, Hermione let out a gasp, "UGGGGGhhh, I think my water just broke!"


End file.
